Monday, December 31, 2012

The Year that Was...and then Wasn't...and (sort of) Was Again

Well. Here we all are again. Another New Year's Eve, another chance to say goodbye to a year that you either can't wait to be rid of or wish would last forever. For me this has been a year of wild twists and turns, ending with an unfortunate and deep bout of depression that I blogged about two months ago today. It took hold quite out of nowhere and really hasn't let go since, as the long period of silence on this very blog would suggest. It's a very tricky thing to explain or understand, depression is, because if you've experienced it you know there's not really anything anyone outside of the person affected can truly do about it. And if you haven't experienced it, you likely think that depression = sad/suicidal all the time and that simply isn't true. In my case, I don't feel sad at all. I certainly don't feel interested in causing myself harm. I think how to best explain how I feel would be to call it "ennui". I don't really feel anything at all, except tired all the freaking time. 24/7, 365. It's incredibly frustrating for me and I cannot even imagine how it must be for the people closest to me, like Sarah, Tim and Jill. And even though this is something I've been fighting against for a very long time, I feel it's been particularly nasty and stubborn the past couple of years in particular, mainly because I have a) not been working (for the most part); and b) been much more keenly aware of the political and sociological landscape around me than ever before, globally but in particular locally (Canada and US). I feel that, more and more, the world is being run by dangerous and stupid—and dangerously stupid—people and I have neither any real sense of hope nor of where my place might be in this crumbling society. It's not the root cause of my ennui but, my goodness, it sure hasn't helped a lick.

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