I've been asked a couple of times recently if I've lost the impulse to do this blog—or, really, any other writing for that matter—and the question is a perfectly valid and simple one. The answer, to be blunt, is no. No, I have not lost the impulse to post here or elsewhere, although it would be a lot easier if that was the case. I could just say, "gee, that was fun while it lasted," and be done with it. But the truth is lot more difficult.
You see, how it works is this: I want to post every single day and most of the time I actually know exactly what I want to post about. However, the depression and accompanying social anxiety is so strong that it's practically crippling. Take my most recent post, for example—the one that broke a long period of darkness on this blog. I originally wrote all of that as a Facebook entry that day and it took a great deal of willpower to convince myself to turn it into a blog post instead. Facebook is much, much safer; I don't feel like I owe anybody anything over there and I can even control the specific audience that can see what I write (for example, that post about the Blue Jays would have only gone out to a select few people on my "Sports" list). I read it over before I hit "enter" on Facebook and decided it was so long and passionate that it deserved to be a blog post instead. And still, I wavered. Would this be an "appropriate" piece to break the silence? Would anybody read it? Would it be "worthy" to go up alongside my older postings? In a burst of inner strength, I went ahead and posted it anyhow—and then walked away from the computer immediately so I wouldn't change my mind.
